The sort of Halloween Judge Sasuke special
by Aldamonburst
Summary: Theft. Rape. Murder. This case isn't about any of these things. It's about the right to eat candy. Sorry for bad description. Rated for language and sexual stuff.


**Burst: Happy Halloween you trick-or-treaters, pumpkin eaters, and flaming dog shitters! But not Miley Cyrus. I know it's old news, but she wears a costume all year long. Draco Malfoy. So that's against the rules of Halloween.**

**The sort of Halloween Judge Sasuke special! The unforgivable Hallows Eve crime!**

_Well bros and bras, in a right on world full of nasty costumes and some wicked Halloween parties; our homes in Konoha are chillaxing in the courtroom! Bogus! Judge Sasuke!_

**In the- oh forget it. You know where they are.**

_Hola honeys! Drag queen ghost here to point out the ninja's faboo costumes! Sasuke is wearing a wonderful Dracula costume, cape and all! Take that Edward! In a wig and white dress Orochimaru is none other than Marilyn Monroe! You go girl!_

**Orochi: Hey Sasu-shi, I've got something you can sink your teeth into. Sasuke: Ugh. Not now. I don't need any of your pervy crap. Orochi: Hey! I was just going to offer you a caramel apple. Sasuke: Oh. No, but thanks anyway. Orochi: All right. Besides, I wanted my costume my costume to be authentic so right now I have a va- Sasuke: Anyway! Drag queen ghost please introduce the jury!**

_Ok cutey! Well let's see, in fabulous Batman and Catwoman outfits we have Naruto and Hinata making out! Ah, makes me miss my Rafael. Walks on the beach, sharing an ice cream cone, and oh in bed he was so-\_

**Sasuke: Ahem.**

_Sorry. Well, we have Itachi dressed up as a zombie. If I wasn't dead I'd be asking where he bought his make up!_

**Itachi: The jury box smells like jizz. **

_Oh and there's Choji dressed up as a bowl of ramen. _

**Choji: No one make a fat joke!**

_Too easy. We have Guy dressed up as a handsome superman,_

**Guy: Power of youth baby!**

_ Sakura as a witch,_

**Sakura: I'm going to put a spell on you Sasuke.**

**Sasuke: Go to hell bitch.**

_ Kakashi as a pirate (White Beard!),_

**Kakashi: Meh. I had the eye patch.**

_ Neji in a traditional pillow case with eyes ghost costume,_

**Neji: I'm not a festive person.**

_ Gamatatsu in a sailor outfit,_

**Gamatatsu: I found this costume in the pet store. They gave me a free fly. Mmm.**

_ and- an old man?_

**Sarutobi: I'm my mother f'ing 3****rd**** hokage! I don't need to wear a costume! I'm not even sure why I'm alive!**

**Sasuke: No reason. I'm not sure why the intro guy sounded like a surfer douche.**

**Orochi: I don't know either. Oh well. Let me see. Today's case is about candy. **

**Sasuke: Of course. Let them in so they can explain their bullshit case.**

_Well dudes, walking in to our coolaphonic courtroom are none other than our bodacious little dude Kono and his donkey sensei Ebisu._

_Oh, look at Kono's costume! He's a ninja turtle! Not original, but ain't he a cutie!_

**Sasuke: Now you two. Explain yourselves while I try to reevaluate my career. And my life.**

**Kono: He gave me an apple for Halloween! An apple! Then he tried to take my candy!**

**Naruto: Damn you Ebisu! Damn you to hell!**

**Ebisu: Shut up Naruto! Hinata, you're a reasonable girl. Calm your man!**

**Hinata: Don't you tell me how to raise my man!**

**Neji: Why is my cousin black?!**

**Hinata: ***Giggles*

**Sasuke: This is a rather simple case. How do you think we solve it?**

**Orochi: Let everyone defend themselves. Let crazy people be crazy. And why don't I let you get me pregnant!**

**Sasuke: I'm not going to- wait what?! Um, anyway, Kono you go first.**

**Kono: Uh, ok. People of the jury! I ask you, do you like candy?!**

**Choji and Naruto: Hell yeah!  
Hinata: Of course. Especially lollipops. Naruto likes watching me suck on one. I don't know why.**

**Itachi: Those who hate candy must die. So the answer to your question is yes.**

**Sakura: Oh yeah! I'm on a sugar high right now.**

**Sasuke: Really? I figured you were just high. All the time. …..Crazy bitch.**

**Neji: Does gum count? I use it for concentration.**

**Kakashi: **_*sighs*_** Like godfather like godson. Well, I do. Preferably sour.**

**Guy: Yes! Candy brings happiness to the youthful! As I embody the power of youth I love candy!**

**Neji: God damn it. *Pulls out aspirin***

**Gamatatsu: Mmmmm. Candy.**

**Sarutobi: Hmph.**

_Everyone turns to Sarutobi._

**Sarutobi: Ok fine! Yes! **

**Kono: Aha! So it seems everyone likes candy! And you gave me an apple! What do you say to that Ebisu?**

**Ebisu: I say it doesn't matter! Kono is the grandson of the 3****rd**** Hokage. And speaking of the third, he's right in this room. Tell me, what rights do you think I have as his sensei when it comes to diet?**

**Sarutobi: I wish I was still dead. Judge, do I really have to answer?**

**Sasuke: Yes. This courtroom treats everyone equally.**

**Orochi: Since when?**

**Sasuke: I don't know. **

**Hokage: Very well. Technically, since the sensei's job is to train his pupil, I guess diet control is included. Happy now you sons of bitches?**

**Ebisu: Very much my lord.**

**Kono: I object! Choji's fatter than a bloated walrus sitting on a cow!**

_Everyone went silent as the forbidden word was spoken. _

**Naruto: **_*whispering* _**uh oh.**

**Sakura: **_*whispering* _**This is very bad.**

**Itachi: **_*whispering* _**I was told there would be free food here.**

_Everyone gasped as Choji stepped of the jury box. He walked over to Kono and lifted him into the air by his neck._

**Sasuke: Do something you perv!**

**Orochi: An elegant woman like me shouldn't me get involved in such things.**

**Sasuke: What am I paying you for?!**

**Orochi: I get paid by the government. Not you.**

**Sasuke: Really? Oh, well he's dead.**

**Choji: You know what?!**

**Kono: **_*choking*_**Yes?**

**Choji: I should kill you right now. But I won't. Something more important than is at stake. Candy. If it weren't for that I'd be wearing you ass for a hat.**

**Kono: **_*pulls out of his grip* _**I bet you wouldn't!**

**Choji: Why's that?**

**Kono: Cause my ass is coated with-**

**Sasuke: Ok! Let's take a commercial break while Kono cleans up.**

_*Break*_

**Itachi: Hey kids. Kids: Hi Itachi! Itachi: Hey have you ever- **_*reads script*_ **how much am I getting paid for this? Really? Ok. How ever thought that cereals nowadays are too happy? Well not anymore. Introducing Uchiha Flakes. The cereal guaranteed to fill you with hatred and loathing. Kid: Look! It turns the milk red! Itachi: There's also a prize in every box. Kid: I found an eyeball! Kid: I found some yaio fanfiction! Kid: I found a knife. And there are blood stains on it! Uchiha: Well there you go. Remember kids, if you don't buy Uchiha flakes- Kids: You lack hatred! Itachi: Uchiha flakes are not responsible for any depressed, traumatized, or dead children.**

_*End break*_

**Sasuke: And we're back. Kono, you're up.**

**Kono: All right! So, Ebisu. You say you control my diet, by I don't thinks so. Sorry Gramps, but you're full of crap!**

**Sarutobi: Yeah whatever.**

**Kono: This is Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!**

**Kakashi: **_*muttering* _**Where have I heard that before?**

**Kono: Halloween. The day when boys and girls go trick or treating for candy. A day they look forward to all year! But Ebisu has ruined that day for me! I ask you this people of the jury, how would you all feel if someone took your candy?!**

** Guy: **_*standing* _**I would never allow anyone to take my candy! Candy is the delight of the youthful! As the youthful man I am I would not stand for it. For I possess the power of-**

**Neji: SHUT UP!**

**Guy: Uh, okay.**

**Kakashi: Guy shutting up. Halloween miracle.**

**Naruto: Remind me not to get on Neji's bad side.**

**Choji: Well I agree with Guy. No one is taking my candy. Anyone with me?**

_The room went silent. After a moment the rest of the jury nodded. Well, excluding Sarutobi._

**Sarutobi: If Sake suddenly becomes a sweet, I'll reconsider.**

**Kono: What do you say to that Ebisu?!**

**Ebisu: Well, the Hokage counts as 100!**

**Sasuke: Hmm. What do you think of that Orochi?**

**Orochi: Nope.**

**Ebisu: Here's my final argument then. Kono can't take sugar. Last year he ran across the village mooning everyone!**

**Orochi: Ah. What a wonderful Halloween that was.**

**Sasuke: Oh yeah. For some reason I'm just remembering that. Jury, what do you say?**

**Jury: Guilty! **

**Sasuke: I guess that it's it. Kono, I hereby sentence you to-**

_Not so fast honeys!_

**Sasuke: **_*sighs* _**What is it drag queen ghost?**

_I remember now. The day I died,_

**Sasuke: Let me guess. You were killed during a lap dance.**

_No. Ebisu killed me! _

**Ebisu: C'mon! Who cares about some tranny?!**

**Orochi: I do. I may be a pedophile, rapist, human trafficker, and murderer-**

**Sakura: Why is he not in jail again?**

**Orochi: My point is, despite all that, I am an activist for all transvestites. Mostly because I have no idea what the heck I am anymore. **

**Sasuke: Whatever. Tell me, why did he shoot you?**

**Ebisu: Don't believe anything that freak says!**

**Orochi: Unless you want to wake up with your testicles shove inside you shut up.**

_Well, I told him to let the kid enjoy being a kid. Eat some candy. Then he said to shut up. I said "boy, you don't tell me what to do. You ain't my man!" Then he threw his kunai and I don't remember what happened next._

**Kono: You told me that was a fugitive ninja!**

**Ebisu: Gah! It doesn't matter. I win!**

**Sasuke: Not really. Technically, you've been a criminal since last year so your case is invalid.**

**Ebisu: But that's not how the legal system works!**

**Sasuke: It doesn't matter. This is my court bitch. I'm mother fucking Judge Sasuke! How does the jury plead?**

**Naruto: Guilty!**

**Hinata: Guilty!**

**Itachi: …Guilty.**

**Sakura: Guilty!**

**Neji: Guilty!**

**Kakashi: Guilty!**

**Guy: Mother fucking guilty!**

**Sarutobi: Guilty. The guy's a prick.**

**Gamatatsu: ZZZZZZZZ. Huh? Uh, what everyone else said!**

**Sasuke: I'll let my bailiff decide the penalty.**

**Orochi: Thank you Sasu-moto. By the power invested to me by a corrupt legal system, I hereby sentence you to share a body with the drag queen ghost!**

_Come here handsome!_

**Ebisu: Nooooooooo!**

**Sasuke: Well that ends this case. Ok everyone. You can go now.**

**Naruto: Wait a minute! That's not how you end a Halloween special!**

**Sasuke: Well what do you suggest?**

**Naruto: Thriller montage!**

**Sasuke: Sounds good.**

_*music begins to play*_

**Sasuke: It's Close To Midnight And Something Evil's Lurking In The Dark**

_Naruto decided to egg the Hokage headquarters. He later places the blame on Ebisu calling it "a rebellion to the government._

**Naruto: Under The Moonlight You See A Sight That Almost Stops Your Heart**

_Orochi hands out candy to the children of Konoha. They're all fine, except they all hum "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" whenever they hear a bell ring._

**Orochi: You Try To Scream But Terror Takes The Sound Before You Make It**

_Kakashi and Guy have a completion to see who can eat the most Reese peanut butter cups. Guy wins and Kakashi walks away with both his dignity and a hot girl._

**Kakashi: You Start To Freeze As Horror Looks You Right Between The Eyes,**

**Guy: You're Paralyzed**

**[Chorus]Everyone:**

**'Cause This Is Thriller, Thriller Night**

**And No One's Gonna Save You From The Beast About**

**Strike**

**You Know It's Thriller, Thriller Night**

**You're Fighting For Your Life Inside A Killer, Thriller**

**Tonight**

**[2nd Verse]**

**Hinata: You Hear The Door Slam And Realize There's Nowhere Left To Run**

_Hinata follows Neji back to the branch's main house._

**Neji: You Feel The Cold Hand And Wonder If You'll Ever See The Sun**

_Hinata and Neji watch a scary move together while Hiashi hides and cries after looking at Hinata's outfit._

**Choji: You Close Your Eyes And Hope That This Is Just**

**Imagination**

_Choji passes out in a pile of candy wrappers._

**Sakura: But All The While You Hear The Creature Creepin' Up**

**Behind**

_Sakura dumps Gamatatsu in a bubbling cauldron, cackling like an insane person._

**Gamatatsu: You're Out Of Time (mmm)**

**[Chorus] Everyone:**

**'Cause This Is Thriller, Thriller Night**

**There Ain't No Second Chance Against The Thing With**

**Forty Eyes**

**You Know It's Thriller, Thriller Night**

**You're Fighting For Your Life Inside Of Killer, Thriller Tonight**

**[Bridge] Everyone:**

** Night Creatures Call**

**And The Dead Start To Walk In Their Masquerade**

**There's No Escapin' The Jaws Of The Alien This Time**

**(They're Open Wide)**

**This Is The End Of Your Life**

**[3rd Verse]**

**Kono: They're Out To Get You, There's Demons Closing In On Every Side**

**They Will Possess You Unless You Change The Number On Your Dial**

_Kono passes out after seeing his Sensei in a bikini._

**Ebisu: Now Is The Time For You And I To Cuddle Close Together**

**All Thru The Night I'll Save You From The Terror On The Screen,**

**Drag queen ghost: I'll Make You See**

**[Chorus] Everyone:**

**That This Is Thriller, Thriller Night**

**'Cause I Can Thrill You More Than Any Ghost Would Dare To Try**

**Girl, This Is Thriller, Thriller Night**

**So Let Me Hold You Tight And Share A Killer, Diller, Chiller**

**Thriller Here Tonight**

**Itachi (rapping)**

**Darkness Falls Across The Land**

**The Midnite Hour Is Close At Hand**

**Creatures Crawl In Search Of Blood**

**To Terrorize Y'awl's Neighbourhood**

**And Whosoever Shall Be Found**

**Without The Soul For Getting Down**

**Must Stand And Face The Hounds Of Hell**

**And Rot Inside A Corpse's Shell**

**The Foulest Stench Is In The Air**

**The Funk Of Forty Thousand Years**

**And Grizzy Ghouls From Every Tomb**

**Are Closing In To Seal Your Doom**

**And Though You Fight To Stay Alive**

**Your Body Starts To Shiver**

**For No Mere Mortal Can Resist**

**The Evil Of The Thriller**

_Itachi walks off into the sunset with a beer in one hand and a dead fan girl's head in the other._

_*song end*_

**Sasuke: Happy Halloween everyone.**

**Orochi: And remember, transvestites are just like us, only prettier.**

_*Front door smashes open*_

**Surfer douche: Hey dudes! Who's ready to die?! **_*Turns on chainsaw*_

**Sasuke: Holy crap he must've killed the real intro guy! Run!**

**End**

** Burst: So tired. I've been writing nonstop. I don't have time to edit, so please tell me what you think. I honestly have no clue how this turned out. Happy Halloween! **_*passes out*_


End file.
